Not your property.

"I'll be braver, I'll be my own saviour. Standing on my own to feet.
I won't let you close enough to hurt me" -Adele.

Sigh... Just when you found something beautiful, the voices around you tell you not to keep it. To desert the one thing that finally makes you happy cause all these years the pressure these voices give you bring you to your breaking point faster than it is to say "speed of light". You thought you had the support but it takes you getting into a fight for them to tell you that they dont like it. Cause now that my time is spent elsewhere, they cant get used to the fact. So am I supposed to present myself to you like a slave everyday so you can use me as and when you like?? Im not liberated to have my own life yet? Do you have any idea how old I am? And the fact that I need permission to live my life is quite pathetic. Sadly yes, still being restricted at this age Im positive that I have some sort of mental disorder. Its funny how I havent break at this point cause I cant imagine to what extent I have to go to before I break. You know I always wonder.. If I died, would yall cry?? Right now (and as always) I really dont believe that yall would. Cause yall never really showed that yall care. All yall ever gave me? Was dictatorship. Yes. "Dont do this". "Do that". "Follow whatever I say or I will throw you out". Thats kinda all the words I remember of you. It is so bad to a point where I fear falling ill. Not because of the pain and discomfort. But cause of the scoldings I would get on how I was wasting money falling ill. Cause I know when I wont get compassion but neglect. So I ask, if yall truly think of me as a waste of time then why do you want to dictate my life? I am not a pawn in your chess game. And not your property. I am a human being. A fact you have been oblivious to.

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what are words?

"What kinda guy would I be if I was to leave when you need me most" - Chris Medina.

I really wish people would mean that.
The feeling of loneliness just sucks you in. And its one feeling you cant bring yourself out of. The most dangerous feeling cause you think you have nothing to lose at the monent which drives you to do stupid things without much thought. So when you promise someone you'd be there, be there. Make your words turn into action. Show that you care and love unconditionally. Cause a person can only come out of the darkness with a strong helping hand. Cause chances are when the person is lost in the lonely abyss, she might never come back. And when she doesnt, its too late. Then what?? But when she knows she has someone whom she can count on, she feels like her existence on earth is acknowledged. And thats probably the only thing I need right now. Apart from having alot of love in my life.
What do you do when you have so much to say yet you dont cause you dont wanna seem weak. Cause you dont want to drift apart?
Well, whats the point if continuing this masochistic torture then?
Its starting to feel very one sided. I never asked for this. And its hard holding onto it too.
I deserve an angel. To be by my side always. Not literally but shows that I'm loved and acknowledged. I feel everybody deserves that. I know I'm somebody's angel. But I'm still searching for mine.

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She will.

Karma's a bitch. So make sure the bitch is beautiful. Make sense?
Think about it.

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arent my prayers heard?

So Ive had this uneasy feeling for quite sometime. I dont know why. I cant explain. How does it feel when someone you love put walls around you so there isnt any means of communication? For no reason(or atleast i think so!). let me tell you how it feels.. Kinda like it was your fault.. Like you did something wrong although I cant remember what I did wrong. My gosh I dont understand why you're being so selfish. And I definitely wanna hear your excuse for it this time cause frankly speaking if I were you, I myself couldn't come up with a damn good reason as to why the walls were up for 2 whole days against me. Im not your marionette to play with. And frankly Ive tried on my part. Tooo many damn times yet you still refuse to budge. Is this what I get for loving too much?? Sweet talker you are. I wanna see how you sweet talk your way outta this. And just when you turn towards me, Imma play your game with you and see how you like it. And I dare you to beg me cause if you do, you'll definitely get whats coming to you. No trust, no us. And you my friend aren't doing anything to make me feel safe. Which makes me wonder.. Whats on your agenda?? Definitely not me. Let me ask you this, if I did the same, would you let it fly by?? There is nothing here which exactly points towards trust. And I thought I was doing everything I can to make it work but you are doing nth. I wanna see what happens at the end of this week. If not, I cant commit. Yes you get it dont ya. Every minute there isnt any respose, I get myself ready for the worse. Lord Im reaching out to you. Ive prayed everynight for this to work but if it has to end like this, I pray you keep me safe and sane cause I know even though I may not be happy about things in my life, you always open doors for me towards more happier, more permanent things. The only thing I can say is it was good while it lasted:p And I learnt from my mistakes. Lord bless and protect me please.

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