The strongest muscle in the body
is the Heart.
If you can find the strength
to love someone
beyond the facade,
despite his flaws,
Forgive his mistakes,
remind yourself of his good attributes
And, just maybe, give yourself another chance...
It speaks alot of character.
And in due time,
Life will bring you what you deserve.
Melissa Segal
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Never like before..
Sigh, I was thinking... Alot. I had my dignity compromised, my ego deflated all to apologised. But it wasnt recieved the way I wanted it to. I was thinking. About the things Ive done but it feels like Ive been taken for granted. At this point, I really feel like it would take more than losing my life before anyone shows any appreciation. Sigh.. I have lost myself in the problems of yesterday and it will never be the same as before. Its gonna take a miracle to bring me back and even for saying this, I get called selfish.. You dont know what its like on my end. Where you give and give but nothing is returned. And when you threatened to walk away, you are deemed as selfish. I have nothing more to give. Ive given you my all and I have nothing left. Im tired and drained. And I deserve to think about myself this once. You know all my life, I always wanted that person who would die just to make me smile. Put his ego down just to wipe my tears away. I would really love to have someone who would rather die than to live a life without me. Or do everything in his power to get me back. Ive never felt that special to anyone before. But what saddens me is that I thought I had sucha person:'(.. Sigh.. Ive come to a realisation that Im not being appreciated as much as I would like to be. I wish you would just see what Ive done for you,especially knowing my background. Sigh. I will never be the same:'(
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Thinking out loud. 9:48 PM
Aint no fool
So you decided to leave me in my time of need. Somehow you managed to make it about you. Amazing really. You wouldnt accept the fact that you made me upset and you left. "Stop harrassing me", he says. Wow. Tears roll down my eyes like nvr before as I tried to put myself to sleep. Woke up in an unfamiliar environment. With the queasy feeling in my tummy. Seeing all these numbers. And the only thing I could remember is that line. Sigh. You can seriously take back all your broken promises that you never want to make me cry. There's only so much I can take and this is just putting me over the edge. That line keeps playing in my head and it only means YOU've broken up with me. Dont worry, I'll come to terms with that. Cause if you leave me at my times of despair (when I needed you the most), you bloody well dont deserve me at my best. After me giving you my best everytime, I dont deserve your best too? Im too much work for you? Its ok. Leaving you, I actually lose nothing. Hah! Infact, I save more. More time for myself and more money too. You know I cant believe you took the cowardice approach to this problem. You really fooled me once. Took down my fb. Cause you dont deserve to see how im doing, good or bad, after walking out. Sigh. Im still in disbelief. You have a nice life. I hope youre happy cause even in break up I gave you what you wanted. Stopped all communication. I hope this is one of those moments where I can say be careful what you wish for. I'll try to get over this. "stop harrassing me", he says..
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Thinking out loud. 11:37 AM
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Impossible.
Gosh, all I needed was a lil.reassurance and you couldnt give me thay. Instead, you just walked away. You know what that tells me? That your toy is obviously more important than I am. And this is what I get. For trying to help you in so many ways and trying to be there for you. This is what I get. Are you serious? After all I did for you, you would choose your toy over me? Really? Rich bitch. Yea I said it. You cant even make an effort to see if Im ok. Livin your good life and after all what am I? Nothing to you right?? Even though I had to learn it the hard way, Im glad I know now. So I can move on. You pretended to care. Why? Why did you pretend to care? What have I ever done to you to deserve this? You wanna make me feel worthless and embarressed? Well congratulations! Cause its totally working. Just so you know, every night before I go to bed I prayed for you. For you to be safe and happy. For the Lord to protect you. Everytime, Im with you I always go.out of my way to help you. And this is what I get in return. You obviously dont want to have anything to do with me so why did you play with my feelings. You of all people should know I already have people in my life doing that. So you decided to join em? Im pretty sure if I died tonight, it would be good riddance for you. I cant believe you are acting the way you do. Its not the person I used to know. Then again, you decieved me very well.
Tell them I was happy. And my heart is broken. All my scars are open. Tell them what I hoped would be impossible.....
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Thinking out loud. 2:25 PM
A lil reassurance please?
You say you dont understand even tho I put it in the simplest way.. Issit cause you choose not to understand? Thats not fair. I tried to be special. But it seems like it isnt enough. Demoralised and torn apart, you didnt even asked why I cried.. I'll back off. I'll hide out within my walls. Atleast till I get out of this depression:(
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Thinking out loud. 1:46 AM
Sunday, November 20, 2011
playing with emotions, playing with fire...
Ok.. Its has been a hell of a roller coaster ride. Being depressed is no joke.. You dont eat well. You isolate yourself. You physically deprive yourself. Socially, you lock yourself up. Its not fair that you do this to ne and dont expect me to be angry.. Who the fuck do you think you are?? You know if i were to walk away or call it quits, i lose nothing. I still have my life and family around. But you my friend, you lose practically half your life.. You'll be alone and frankly back where you started when you first came. Bitch i was sad. I became depressed. And then i forgave. Now im pissed. You dont deserve my effort.. Why? Cause youre ignoring me. And may i ask why?? Cause you found a new toy to play with? You dont deserve anything from mw just by the way youre treating me. You make the effort. You dont respect. And frankly i made the effort to try and reconnect but after that last conversation,the feelings i had just flew away. I cied cause i couldnt believe what was happening.. Your misery made you a jerk. And you had to put it on me.. Qhy do i have to go through that? Why do i have to put up shit with u? Have u ever made the effort??? NO... So till the next time i see the 'old you', have a nice life. Cause im done with your nonsesne. Oh, and grow up will you?
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Thinking out loud. 6:18 PM
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
A letter to you
D, I want the man I love back:( Please....
M.S. .
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Thinking out loud. 6:53 PM
heaven hear me now
As I lay me down, Heaven hear me now. I'm lost without a cause, after giving it my all... Winter storms have come. And darkened my sun. After all that I've been through.. Who on earth can I turn to?.. The rain is falling, defeat is calling.. I need you to set me free. Take me far away from the battle. I need you. Shine on me. I look to you...
(My exact feelings... )
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Thinking out loud. 8:53 AM
Saturday, November 12, 2011
beautiful fate
As sure as the sun will rise, I know the feel of the new day brings about new possibilities. Hopes refreshed. Challenges to face. The problems of yesterdays fade to grey the moment the clock strikes midnight. And I awaken with a sincere smile on my face. The comfort of self satisfaction. Im not perfect. But I know I have to accept my reality before I can make any changes to move on. It has been a.struggle but I've come to terms with myself. And interestingly enough, after I accept myself, life got.a little more sweet. Get over heartache without a care in the world. Accepting constructive comments and bringing myself up. It may be hard at first but who said it was easy. But life wasnt that easy. Not till I opened my eyes. Through all the fights and misunderstandings I grow a lil wiser. And when Im ready to forgive, I'll love you a lil deeper. Because I know you need that assurance. But I pray that God gives me the strength not to depend on you so you yourself have space to grow. To be a better person. Through our times together I've seen you through many predicaments just as you see me through mine. What I love about it.is that you stand WITH me.
And so as days pass by, I hope we learn alot. Love more. Grow together. Support each other. Forgive. And most importantly.... Live. :* Love you...
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Thinking out loud. 10:30 PM
Sunday, October 16, 2011
purple rain.
Brought me to tears.
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Thinking out loud. 10:39 AM
Saturday, September 17, 2011
for you.
Your lies are piercing through your masquerade like blood oozing from a stab wound. You think you can get away with this? You better drop this facade of yours or your conscience will leave you drifting away like a wraith. Souless. Emotionless. And by that time, it will be too late to ask for forgiveness. Cause you were too full of yourself. And even the person with the biggest, wouldnt recinsider the thought to leave you behind and move on. So watch your back. Sooner or later.
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Thinking out loud. 1:13 PM
Sunday, September 04, 2011
appreciate pt2.
"The answer will come to him who tries to see his life through heaven's eyes.
So how can you judge what a man is worth. By what he builds or buys. You can never see with your eyes on earth. So look at your life through heaven's eyes" -Prince of Egypt.
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Thinking out loud. 12:36 AM
appreciate
"Now that you know the truth, don't forget to be content. When the gods give you a blessing, you don't ask why it was sent" -Prince of Egypt.
:) I pray to keep you forever with me.
Thinking out loud. 12:23 AM
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Not your property.
"I'll be braver, I'll be my own saviour. Standing on my own to feet. I won't let you close enough to hurt me" -Adele.
Sigh... Just when you found something beautiful, the voices around you tell you not to keep it. To desert the one thing that finally makes you happy cause all these years the pressure these voices give you bring you to your breaking point faster than it is to say "speed of light". You thought you had the support but it takes you getting into a fight for them to tell you that they dont like it. Cause now that my time is spent elsewhere, they cant get used to the fact. So am I supposed to present myself to you like a slave everyday so you can use me as and when you like?? Im not liberated to have my own life yet? Do you have any idea how old I am? And the fact that I need permission to live my life is quite pathetic. Sadly yes, still being restricted at this age Im positive that I have some sort of mental disorder. Its funny how I havent break at this point cause I cant imagine to what extent I have to go to before I break. You know I always wonder.. If I died, would yall cry?? Right now (and as always) I really dont believe that yall would. Cause yall never really showed that yall care. All yall ever gave me? Was dictatorship. Yes. "Dont do this". "Do that". "Follow whatever I say or I will throw you out". Thats kinda all the words I remember of you. It is so bad to a point where I fear falling ill. Not because of the pain and discomfort. But cause of the scoldings I would get on how I was wasting money falling ill. Cause I know when I wont get compassion but neglect. So I ask, if yall truly think of me as a waste of time then why do you want to dictate my life? I am not a pawn in your chess game. And not your property. I am a human being. A fact you have been oblivious to.
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Thinking out loud. 9:31 PM
Friday, August 26, 2011
what are words?
"What kinda guy would I be if I was to leave when you need me most" - Chris Medina.
I really wish people would mean that. The feeling of loneliness just sucks you in. And its one feeling you cant bring yourself out of. The most dangerous feeling cause you think you have nothing to lose at the monent which drives you to do stupid things without much thought. So when you promise someone you'd be there, be there. Make your words turn into action. Show that you care and love unconditionally. Cause a person can only come out of the darkness with a strong helping hand. Cause chances are when the person is lost in the lonely abyss, she might never come back. And when she doesnt, its too late. Then what?? But when she knows she has someone whom she can count on, she feels like her existence on earth is acknowledged. And thats probably the only thing I need right now. Apart from having alot of love in my life. What do you do when you have so much to say yet you dont cause you dont wanna seem weak. Cause you dont want to drift apart? Well, whats the point if continuing this masochistic torture then? Its starting to feel very one sided. I never asked for this. And its hard holding onto it too. I deserve an angel. To be by my side always. Not literally but shows that I'm loved and acknowledged. I feel everybody deserves that. I know I'm somebody's angel. But I'm still searching for mine.
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Thinking out loud. 9:55 PM
Thursday, August 25, 2011
She will.
Karma's a bitch. So make sure the bitch is beautiful. Make sense? Think about it.
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Thinking out loud. 11:38 AM
Thursday, August 18, 2011
arent my prayers heard?
So Ive had this uneasy feeling for quite sometime. I dont know why. I cant explain. How does it feel when someone you love put walls around you so there isnt any means of communication? For no reason(or atleast i think so!). let me tell you how it feels.. Kinda like it was your fault.. Like you did something wrong although I cant remember what I did wrong. My gosh I dont understand why you're being so selfish. And I definitely wanna hear your excuse for it this time cause frankly speaking if I were you, I myself couldn't come up with a damn good reason as to why the walls were up for 2 whole days against me. Im not your marionette to play with. And frankly Ive tried on my part. Tooo many damn times yet you still refuse to budge. Is this what I get for loving too much?? Sweet talker you are. I wanna see how you sweet talk your way outta this. And just when you turn towards me, Imma play your game with you and see how you like it. And I dare you to beg me cause if you do, you'll definitely get whats coming to you. No trust, no us. And you my friend aren't doing anything to make me feel safe. Which makes me wonder.. Whats on your agenda?? Definitely not me. Let me ask you this, if I did the same, would you let it fly by?? There is nothing here which exactly points towards trust. And I thought I was doing everything I can to make it work but you are doing nth. I wanna see what happens at the end of this week. If not, I cant commit. Yes you get it dont ya. Every minute there isnt any respose, I get myself ready for the worse. Lord Im reaching out to you. Ive prayed everynight for this to work but if it has to end like this, I pray you keep me safe and sane cause I know even though I may not be happy about things in my life, you always open doors for me towards more happier, more permanent things. The only thing I can say is it was good while it lasted:p And I learnt from my mistakes. Lord bless and protect me please.
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Thinking out loud. 9:46 PM
Monday, July 25, 2011
this one's a keeper
Today I stumbled upon this line. "Real men love curves. Only dogs love bones." Which is so true. :) Gives me a reason to smile. And another thing. A man who can appreciate your body, love your insecurities, respect your boundaries, understand your reasons is truly a gem. He touches your hairy legs, says your beautiful without make up, checks you out while youre in your sweat pants, goes all out to make sure youre okay. When a guy like that comes around, grab him. Cause it is probably the best thing you could ever ask for. And savour it while it lasts. I thank god everyday. I pray we last. I pray for you.
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Thinking out loud. 11:34 PM
Friday, July 22, 2011
sense of belonging
I dont feel like i belong anywhere. Not at home. Not at work. Not anywhere. Dont feel like im being noticed or supported. Not listened to. Being used but not appreciated. Im gonna be a working adult soon. The transition isnt gonna be easy but i have no idea how im gonna cope. What if i do get more depressed. I do have goals. But it feels like someone else's. That person should know who. Forced to do alot of things without reasoning. How can you send me back there?? I felt as if my well being wasnt any of your concern. Thats when i realised that i didnt belong.:'(.. Im just afraid that if i dont find my interest or my zest to live.. Or even love for that matter, i might lose it. With tears in my eyes, i pray God gives me something to live for cause it seems nobody want me but everybody wants me for their selfish gains. :'(
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Thinking out loud. 1:45 PM
Thursday, July 21, 2011
save the hero.
Gosh i do not feel like living anymore. I dont have anything to fight for. No support from anyone for anything. It hit me like a train today. Why do i feel this way im not sure. I feel like and island. With voices that whispers my thoughts. And weather coherent with every emotion. Visitors do come and go. "who's there to save the hero after she saves the world??" Right now i should pray for meaning. Simple yet deep. Sick of the superficial.
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Thinking out loud. 11:12 PM
Melissa Segal.
Daddy raised his lil gurl.
Momma raised a lil brat.
Im the superwoman everyone talks about,
yet the only villian is myself.
I hear people talk,
But I don't listen to what they meant to say.
I look around,
But I don't see what you see.
My life's a done deal.
All that is left,
Is for it to be written.
the wind's a cheating wife she could kill you with one good kiss
